Memo to Governor Sanford

SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!

We don’t need to know all this stuff. Just because people ask questions doesn’t mean you need to answer.

But Sanford demonstrates the lengths to which hurting, deceived, and confused people go. They will talk to anyone who will listen. And rarely do they listen to the people they should, and rarely talk only to the people they should.

No one needs an explanation of his “tragic love story.” No one needs to know he found his “soul mate” who is not his wife. The public doesn’t need to know he crossed boundaries with other women.

He is trying to defend the indefensible. He is the classic case of, “I did wrong, but …” Everything that comes after “but” cancels out everything that comes before. He is rationalizing why it was wrong, but it was really okay.

Governor, the news media is not interested in helping you restore your marriage, your spiritual life, or regain integrity. They are interested in one thing, and it’s not even the integrity of state government. They are interested in selling newspapers. They know if they can keep publishing stories about you, people will come back and read them.

You don’t need a news reporter.

You need a biblically grounded pastor who will lovingly get in your face and call you on the carpet. Who will use the word to confront you in your deception, self-absorption, lack of transparency, and immoral thinking. He needs to tell you your biggest problem wasn’t emails, or trips to NYC, or Argentina. Your biggest problem is far deeper. It is a love in your life that allowed you to think those things were okay.

You need to spend much time in the Word, in self-examination in light of Scripture. It will take honesty (something you have struggled with, it appears). It will take courage. But this is what repentant people do.

You also need accountability. This means you need a man who will travel with you everywhere you go and stay in the same room with you unless you are with your wife or your sons. You will have no phone conversations, emails, or other forms of communication that this person is not a part of. He will stand outside the bathroom door until you come out (and you will not take your cell phone with you in the bathroom since you have proven you cannot be trusted in this area). He must be strong enough to take the guff you will give him and strong enough not to give in your sensual, deceived mind. He must be vocal enough to say, “No, not on my watch. You’re not doing that.” There will come a time when the “body man” won’t be necessary anymore. But that time is not now, as you proved by going to NYC with your “spiritual advisor” and committing adultery anyway. If you had done what I am suggesting, he would have had to watch,and I bet things would have been different.

You need to begin to rebuild personal trust and integrity through the establishment of walls and boundaries. Walls won’t always work, and they won’t make you more godly, but they will help protect you until your spiritual strength is sufficient to hold you up. And they are necessary on the road to restoration to God and family.

So three kind of random-ish things:

First, in counseling and discipleship, make people stop before the “but.” Exploring reasons and thinking may be helpful, but not after the “but.” “I did wrong. Period.”

Second, only talk to people who matter and people who can help. One of the worst things you can do in pain is talk to everybody. You want a friendly ear, someone to sympathize. You want to explain. Once you have worn one ear out, you will go looking for another. Why? Because you are self-absorbed in your own pain, and you can’t understand that everyone else doesn’t feel the way you do. You think they want to talk about it as much as you do. Get over yourself. Stop talking about it all the time.

Third, in your life, develop relationships with one or two trusted people who know you well. When hard times come, talk to them and them alone. Make sure they are godly. Make sure they have a biblical understanding of sin and deception. Make sure they aren’t too chicken to say what needs to be said. Make sure they aren’t too calloused to love genuinely.