In our time of deepest affliction, none of us find comfort by endlessly focusing on that suffering. There’s an element of mystery in all our suffering, and in this life we can’t fully understand it, yet we face a subtle temptation to relive and review our suffering. That’s an exercise that will never bring rest and release. What will bring rest and release is spending more time meditating on the cross and the God of the cross (C. J. Mahaney, Living the Cross-Centered Life, p. 98).
I disagree. Mahaney is wrong.
There is nothing subtle about the temptation to relive and review our suffering. It is an in-your-face temptation that screams loudly because it addresses you at your greatest point—the self-pity that drives you to focus on how your are unjustly suffering.
Other than that, Mahaney is dead on.
You will never relieve suffering by reliving suffering.
Reliving it brings some strange perverted sense of comfort. Why? I have no idea, other than the face that it allows us to focus on the most important thing in our lives—us. But I know that in the midst of suffering (spiritual, emotional, or physical), there is comfort in dwelling on it, reliving it, and talking about it.
But it doesn’t really help.
Focusing on the cross puts our suffering in perspective. Whatever you are suffering is nothing compared to what Jesus suffered on the cross. And whatever you are suffering will not separate you from the love of God. Furthermore, whatever you are suffering is part of God’s plan to mature you and prepare you for his service, both now and in eternity.
So in the midst of suffering, think about the cross. Remind yourself that God loves you and sent his Son for you, and having sent his Son, he will not now abandon you, neither to a life of ease or a life of suffering.
He who did not spare His own Son,
but delivered Him over for us all,
how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?
Romans 8:32
12 comments:
Brother Larry,
Do you think some "comfort" could be derived from feeling like "I'm doing something" (ie like by sorting through it, I may discover the reason)...though, it's true that some do it just to wallow.
I have found in my own life that it was when I stopped trying to do, troubleshoot, diagnose, review--and "just" wait on Him (which is excruciating for my self-sufficient human nature) that His work finally began to bear fruit. Wow, Job is a tremendous study on this. I spent some concentrated time there a few months back.
Thanks for these observations.
I should clarify my first sentence to say that some folks attempt to derive comfort from this process. KWIM?
Bro. Larry,
I think I understand the value of the point Mahaney is making. But reading this post sent alarm bells off in my head.
Is it possible that this is a longer way of saying "denial"? Or at least could easily become that?
I think there is significant value in bringing up the past proactively, particularly when it keeps coming up on its own and intruding into an otherwise cross-centred life. I think this scenario is most likely for events which occurred before someone had the maturity to interpret those events in light of the cross.
FWIW.
Grace to you.
Dianne,
I have ever come across anyone who thinks they are actually doing something. That's the frustration of it. They can't do anything about it. They relive it playing "what if" or they wallow in it as the victim. But in the end, they can't change it.
There is value in studied and disciplined consideration of my past actions, but that's different than reliving it, IMO.
I don't know if that helps explain further or not.
Jason,
I don't think it's a longer way of saying denial, (though I am not convinced that denial is actually a bad thing, but perhaps I mean something different by that than you do).
I have said often that my three favorite counseling words are "Get Over it." I rarely use them that way, and certainly not at the front end, though after extended months of working through things I have said exactly that: "It's time to get over it." But I pick those times carefully.
But when people continually go back and wallow in the past, they need to get over it. It's not going to change, not even if you think about it for another hour.
For instance, a spouse commits adultery. The "innocent" spouse relives it time and time again, every time they see their spouse, or a place or a smell, or whatever. They fixate on it: How could he do this to me? Why did she do it? Why do I have to hrut like this? Why didn't I marry someone else? Etc.
Reliving it is a way of self-pity: "Poor me. I don't deserve this."
So when something happens, deal with it biblically, immediately, and move on. If you are going to dwell on something in the past, make it the cross. It will bring your life into perspective.
And whatever it is that you are suffering, it's not as bad as what Christ suffered, and not as bad as you deserve. So rejoice that God's grace works.
Wow brother. I'm surprised to hear you openly admit that kind of a counselling philosophy. I'm struggling to see the masked "get over it" approach being very effective.
The counsellors who have been helpful to me in the past have been those who allowed me to relive the past and then helped me reinterpret it in light of the gospel until it began to lose its sting and power over me.
I would think that in some situations, that process could take years.
If I had to sum up the two approaches as I currently understand them, I'd do it like this:
1) Stop looking at the reality of the broken world in which you live and instead look at the cross.
2) Look at the reality of the broken world in which you live in light of the cross.
Perhaps I'm misunderstanding.
I think you are perhaps misunderstanding.
When it comes to the past, a person can do essentially two things:
1) Wallow in it, fixate on it, and let it ruin your life.
2) Get over it by God's grace and live in God's grace.
The first will lead to bitterness and anger, fear and turmoil, depression and discouragement.
The second will lead to victory.
I prefer the second.
I often tell people, out of everything you can change about your life, the past is not one of them.
Of course I help people to deal with the past, to process it in light of the cross. I want to know what happened, and what you were loving that caused it to happen. I want to know what is going on in the heart.
As I say, "Get over it" doesn't come out that way, especially not early on. But over time, I am working to help the person see that no matter what they think about the past they can't change it, and Jesus died for it. So it's time to move on. We look at what happened to see where we contributed to fallenness, and confess it, and make it right as much as possible. And we refuse to live in bitterness. And we get over it. Jesus died for it; God forgave it; why am I reliving it?
We don't need to spend a lot of on "what happened." And certainly not on "What if." We need to focus on "what now."
It can take years, but it doesn't have to, and the longer we let people live unconfronted in living in the past the longer it will take. The sooner we get them on the road to grace and the cross, the better off we will be.
Of the two options you give, the second is definitely better, though it is inadequate in some ways.
Obviously, I can't lay it all out here and I am making some big overarching summations.
But when it comes to the past, reliving suffering won't help relieve it. You must get over it through God's grace in Jesus and move on.
I know that things in my life, no matter how much I relive them, are never going to change. So why relive them?
I have dealt with people both short term and long term who can't "get over it," because they don't get the gospel and the sovereignty of God in life. So they live in the past. Having been there, I don't want to go back, and I don't recommend it to others.
Hope that clarifies.
Jason,
Please understand that it's impossible to deal with it in depth here.
So there is a lot that is packed into this very short description.
Forgiveness is essentially what we are talking about ... God's forgiveness of me and my forgiveness of others.
I appreciate your response.
Thanks Steve, but I am not sure how that helps. This is a discussion about suffering and how we respond to suffering. It wasn't about CJ Mahaney or SGM.
I agree with your comments, Bro Larry. It is a delusion to think rehearsing our faults and/or the shortcomings of others can bring healing. Our deceptive hearts will never produce an accurate perspective, and invariably gravitate toward justification and excuses. I think this is different than David's admonition to "commune with your own heart upon your bed and be still." One is self-worship, the other is worship correctly focused. (Ps 4:4,5)
That element of comfort in reliving is an odd one, isn't it? But I fear you've diagnosed the cause correctly, more's the pity.
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