Sanford and Sons

Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina has recently confessed publicly to an adulterous relationship with a married woman from Argentina. Several things strike me in reading the stories and watching the news conference.

First, I didn’t keep track, but it seemed that every time his family came up, his sons were mentioned first. Here’s news, Governor: Your sons are not the most important person in your family. Your wife is. The fact that your wife seemed to consistently come in second place may have been unintentional, but it may reveal more than you intended it to. And it may be the reason you did what you did. She was not important enough to you. And God certainly was not important enough to you. Dads, the most important thing you can do for your sons is to love their mother first, love her more than them, and love because of the gospel. (Same thing with you ladies.)

Second, Sanford says this relationship started eight years ago when he met this woman, and ironically was telling her she needed to stay with her husband for the sake of her two boys. Again, you see that Sanford has missed the point of staying in a marriage. And you also see why men and women should not talk to members of the opposite sex about their marital problems. Even the talk of such problems removes walls that should not be removed. Even pastors, or especially pastors, are not immune to this danger.

Third, emails (particularly private emails) with members of the opposite sex are generally a bad idea. Email should be transparent to your spouse or to other accountability partners. There is no reason for you to have an email account, a facebook page, or a myspace page (or any other social networking site) that your spouse does not know about and does not have complete access to  whenever they want it. Computers have made the world smaller and have invited more inappropriate intimacy. Computers make things easy to hide. Same thing with cell phones by the way. Keep it open and transparent.

Fourth, when you are involved in an immoral relationship, you don’t need to spend five days in Argentina to break it off. You can say, “We’re done, don’t ever contact me again,” without the cost of a plane ticket. You don’t need to do it in person. Pick up the phone with your spouse in the room, and call. It will take one minute and it will be transparent. Don’t drag it out. There are no need for explanations. You don’t need to talk it through. You need to be done and never, under any circumstances, have any contact with the person again, if possible. If it is a co-worker, it’s probably time to look for a new job. If it is a neighbor, it is probably time to move. Change your cell phone number if you need to. Harsh? Perhaps. But to do less is asking for a repeat.

If all you have done so far is exchange emails, then just stop. You don’t need to reply. Cancel your email account and be done. Don’t send an explanatory “break-up” email. Just stop. If you have progressed to phone calls or physical meetings, more will probably be necessary. Yes, you face the possible ire of a lovers-scorned, but that’s the consequences you invited when you made the choice. You made the bed (literally); and now you have to lie in it.

Fifth, realize that adultery and immorality is not ultimately about sex. It’s about the heart. When you fail to guard your heart, you will look for love in all in the wrong places. And you will usually find it.

And in the end, it will cost you everything you have, and more.

Spend some time regularly in Proverbs 5-7. Guard your heart with all diligence. And teach your sons not to collect the moral junk of this world and stack it around the yard and house of their mind. Teach them Proverbs 5-7, not just be word, but by life.

The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense;
He who would destroy himself does it.
Wounds and disgrace he will find,
And his reproach will not be blotted out
(Proverbs 6:32-33)

Now therefore, my sons, listen to me,
And pay attention to the words of my mouth. 
Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways,
Do not stray into her paths. 
For many are the victims she has cast down,
And numerous are all her slain. 
Her house is the way to Sheol,
Descending to the chambers of death
(Proverbs 7:24-27)